Divorce, the Bible and Counseling
By: Dr. David R. Penley
With 42% of all marriages[1] in the United States ending in divorce, those who lead Christ’s churches must take seriously God’s Word on the subject and be ready to use it as they minister to persons who will be impacted by divorce. The fact is that unfortunately things are not much better among born-again believers who have an overall divorce rate of 35%.[2] This makes it all the more imperative that those who minister in evangelical churches not only know what God teaches about divorce but be committed to teach, counsel and enforce that Word.
This article will approach the topic of divorce in three ways: (1) some key truths about divorce; (2) some key ways in which these truths will impact our counseling; (3) some areas of our ministry these teachings will impact. The goal of this endeavor is to help church leaders think through what God’s Word teaches and how they may apply it in their ministries. The fact is that if we minister in a church we will deal with the topic and will deal with it often, so we must be ready ahead of time to face this challenge so that God will glorified, people will grow toward Christ-likeness, and Christ’s church will prosper.
Some Key Biblical Truths about Divorce
The first thing we can clearly say about divorce is that God is against it. God makes His view crystal clear in Malachi 2:16: “For I hate divorce," says the LORD, the God of Israel, "and him who covers his garment with wrong," says the LORD of hosts. "So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously. We can state with great confidence that divorce is never God’s ideal”. The question that then arises is whether or not divorce is ever allowed. Some would argue that it is not. This in spite of the fact that divorce is addressed by God in Deuteronomy 24:1: “When a man takes a wife and marries her, and it happens that she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out from his house.”
Why does God allow for divorce if He hates it so much? Jesus addresses this very question in His discussion with the Pharisees in Matthew 19:3-12:
Some Pharisees came to Jesus, testing Him and asking, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?" And He answered and said, "Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE, and said, 'FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH'? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate." They said to Him, "Why then did Moses command to GIVE HER A CERTIFICATE OF DIVORCE AND SEND her AWAY?" He said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.
In this passage Jesus is answering the question whether or not a man could divorce his wife for any reason he chose to do so. Divorce at that time was permitted for literally any reason. Jesus is answering the question from this perspective. The answer is a clear "no." Not only is it not permitted simply for any reason at all, but there is only one reason - adultery (porneia = sexual sin against the laws of the OT; sexual relationships except with one's wife). To divorce and then have sexual relationships with another person, even a person one has married legally is to commit adultery, unless the person had divorced his or her first spouse because of adultery.
Then why the divorce regulations in the Old Testament such as those found in Deuteronomy 24:1? First, it must be noted that there is a difference between approving something and regulating it. That is what Jesus is saying about God and divorce in Matthew 19:8: “He said to them, ‘Because of your hardness of heart Moses permitted you to divorce your wives; but from the beginning it has not been this way.’” Jesus makes the clear point to the Pharisees and to us with this statement that any man who divorces is not doing so because it was or is God’s ideal and if he remarries he commits adultery (except for where adultery by his spouse is involved). God’s original purpose in Genesis when he created marriage is stated by Jesus in the Matthew 19 passage – that a man and a woman stay married separated only by death – is still God’s ideal and one that should be our goal. Even in the case of adultery, therefore, divorce is not required and should not be encouraged. The only reason God even allowed and regulated it was because of the hardness of man’s heart. God regulates it to protect the person who is being sent away in a divorce. In Old Testament times, this would have been the woman who would have no place to go and no one to provide for her. She could not remarry because she would still be considered the property of her husband. Thus when a certificate of divorce was provided and regulated, it allowed her to remarry and to have someone to take care of her. Thus the regulation of divorce by God was actually an act of grace on his part toward the woman being sent away.
In a similar way, allowing divorce for adultery is a similar act of grace. In the Old Testament, the penalty for adultery was death (see Leviticus 10:10 and Deuteronomy 22:22). Thus allowing divorce for adultery is an act of grace for it takes the place of death by stoning. But in spite of the fact that it is allowed, does not mean that it must take place. Grace, forgiveness, and reconciliation on our part are always God’s preferred path. The story of Hosea is an example of God's patience with His people and is an example we must seek to follow as well.
The disciples showed that they understood the seriousness of what Jesus was saying by their response to it in Matthew 19:10: “The disciples said to Him, ‘If the relationship of the man with his wife is like this, it is better not to marry.’” Thus they comprehended that Jesus was taking the marriage vow extremely seriously, leaving very little room to break it. Divorce is allowed for adultery (yes, Jesus does allow it in this passage even if some of us do not like this fact), and even then this must be a last resort. God still hates divorce.
The other key New Testament passage that addresses divorce is 1 Corinthians 7:10-16:
But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband (but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife. But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. And a woman who has an unbelieving husband and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?
There are several facts that must be addressed about this passage. One is that being married to an unbeliever is not in and of itself a reason for divorce. A Christian should not marry an unbeliever based on 1 Corinthians 6:14: “Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?” This is a truth that must be addressed in the church’s preaching, teaching, and in our counseling. I long ago made a commitment that I would address this in the first session of premarital counseling and if one or both of the persons are not believers, I will not perform the marriage ceremony. This is an area we must stand firm on as a church.
If one does find himself married to an unbeliever, then he must remain married to him/ her. We see the importance of this stressed not only in this passage, but also in 1 Peter 3:1: “In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives.” There is an exception stated here, however, and it is the second and only other reason given in Scripture that one may divorce. It is found in 1 Corinthians 7:15: “Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace.” If the unbelieving spouse leaves, or in other words, divorces, his believing spouse, the believing spouse should let him go without fighting it. Otherwise, the believing spouse must stay with the unbelieving spouse with the hope that through the witness of her life and words and prayers, the unbelieving spouse may come to know Christ as his Lord.
Paul does say about this teaching regarding the unbelieving spouse: “‘I say, not the Lord.’” But this does not mean they are not inspired by God. He is simply saying they are not from the direct teachings of Christ while He was here on earth. The first part of the passage regarding believers divorcing one another is a recap of Jesus’ teaching as we have already discussed. This teaching regarding the unequally yoked believer is a new teaching given to Paul by God through the Holy Spirit. That is all Paul is saying. It is just as inspired as the rest of the Scriptures and thus just as authoritative.
One other area that Paul writes about is separation. Paul does allow for separation in 1 Corinthians 7:11: “but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband.” Separation might take place, but notice this is addressed to the wife. One of the few reasons I would see a need for separation would be for abuse of a spouse (which is almost always going to be the wife), the children (in which case the wife would almost always be taking the children to safety), or both. Even then it is clear that the purpose is not that divorce be the outcome, but reconciliation. Separation should only be a last resort and for as short a time as possible. Too often in a troubled marriage, separation can “feel” good to a spouse for there is no obvious conflict and that is a momentary relief. A separated couple, especially a woman away from an abusive husband will find it peaceful and will be less likely to desire to work toward reconciliation the longer they are apart. The result may be reluctance for one or both of the spouses to want to seek reconciliation.
Therefore, separation must be rarely used and its purpose constantly kept before the couple.
This is just a brief overview of what Scripture teaches about divorce. We can make several overall statements about divorce based on these teachings. It is never God’s ideal. It always results from the sin of one or both of the spouses. There are only reasons given that it might take place: (1) adultery by one of the spouses; (2) an unbelieving spouse married to a believing spouse who chooses to divorce his wife. Even though divorce is allowed it does not have to take place. Forgiveness and reconciliation are always preferred. The next question that needs to be addressed is how these biblical truths impact our counseling and ministry.
How Biblical Teaching Impacts Our Ministry
One of the ways these truths about divorce impact our ministry is in the area of our premarital and marital counseling. I have already stated that it is my conviction that in the area of premarital counseling, we must take a stand against being a part of bringing together a believer with an unbeliever. This will help solve many issues that are leading to divorce among believers.
A second issue in premarital counseling is whether or not we should perform the ceremony if one or both of the couples were previously divorced. Obviously you must first discover the reason for the divorce. Our understanding of the passages we have just discussed regarding divorce will help us answer the question about performing the ceremony. If the divorce took place because the person’s spouse committed sexual sin or because he was an unbeliever who left the marriage, then remarriage is biblically allowed.
But what if the person was married to a believer and there was not necessarily sexual sin involved? If the other believing spouse left the marriage and everything was done that was possible to reconcile the marriage, but the other spouse refused reconciliation, then I believe remarriage is allowable. Let me explain why. I believe this falls under the original purpose of divorce in the Old Testament - to allow a person abandoned for no good reason to be able to remarry - as stated in Deuteronomy 24:1-2 as we discussed earlier. Jesus speaks in Matthew 19 of the only legitimate reason for divorce – adultery. He does not take away the protection given to the "wronged" party when that "wronged" party is abandoned. The key here is that the church helped the spouse being wronged to seek reconciliation in every way possible.
This leads to another way in these biblical truths on divorce impact our church’s ministry. We must have churches that are committed to following all of God’s Word, including the practice of Matthew 18: 15-18:
“If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that BY THE MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT MAY BE CONFIRMED. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven.”
These words of Jesus are too often ignored today by churches and the result is that we are “loosing” too much sin into midst. A church must be willing to practice this pattern of church discipline for the sake of God’s kingdom, the integrity of His Word, and for the good of our members. I have personally been a part of counseling two persons where I teach whose spouses had left them for unbiblical reasons and were seeking divorces whose churches would not confront the church member who was seeking the divorce. This made the process of seeking reconciliation much more difficult. In one of the cases the result was a divorce in which the person who initiated divorce remains a member in good standing in the church. This must not be allowed to happen. If Matthew 18:15-17 has been applied, and the person does not repent and come back to his spouse, he is to be dis-fellowshipped and treated as an unbeliever (see Matt. 18:17). This means he is an unbeliever who has left his spouse and 1 Corinthians 7 can then be applied. But this should only be done after every possible means – including the intervention of the church – has been applied.
What if someone does not meet these criteria? They can always have a civil ceremony. They can be married legally, but not biblically. They cannot expect the church's blessing. This may seem cruel and unreasonable. Even the disciples questioned Jesus about this in Mark 10:10-12:
“What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate." In the house the disciples began questioning Him about this again. And He said to them, "Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.”
Jesus stood His ground because that ground is God's perfect will for us. We are being cruel if we let people settle for less than God's perfect plan. It is a false prophet who proclaims what people want to hear instead of God's Word as Micah 2:6 states: "If they do not speak out concerning these things, reproaches will not be turned back." God's way brings holiness and hope.
A final way in which these biblical truths about divorce impact our ministry and counseling is that in marital counseling, divorce must never be allowed to stay on the table. If one or both of the spouses are talking divorce, then a clear biblically based call to stop discussing this and instead to focus on reconciliation must be addressed. What God teaches about divorce must be clearly presented. What God teaches about forgiveness and reconciliation must be strongly taught. Then a commitment must be sought that all involved in the counseling – whether it is one or both spouses – will follow God’s Word which includes a willingness not to seek divorce but reconciliation.
It is important that people go into counseling with the right attitudes about following God’s Word. It was written about Daniel in Daniel 1:8: “But Daniel made up his mind that he would not defile himself with the king's choice food or with the wine which he drank; so he sought permission from the commander of the officials that he might not defile himself.” Our counselees must likewise make up their mind that they will follow the Word of God and not defile themselves with worldly ideas or personal preferences. We can ensure our counselees that we will address the problems and concerns that had led to a desire for a divorce, but we can do so without the threat of divorce. The power of God’s Holy Spirit working through His Word is what is needed, not an unbiblical hammer being threatened to be used.
Conclusion
This article does not begin to address all the complications that are involved in dealing with divorce as we seek to serve God in our roles as biblical ministers and counselors. My hope is that it helps all of us to think through some issues surrounding this important topic. As I stated at the beginning of the article, it is vital we think through it and be ready to minister to people dealing with it, because we are seeing more and more people impacted by it.
You may not agree with me on everything I have written here. You may draw some conclusions different than mine on some of the passages I have addressed. There certainly is room for that. Some will think I have been too strict in interpretations, some will think I have not been strict enough. My encouragement to you is not that you agree with me in everything, but that you take the topic of divorce seriously, study these passages and others in Scripture for yourself thoroughly, pray over them, and come to decisions for yourself about how they will impact your teaching, preaching, and counseling. But let us not continue to simply bury our heads in the sand or simply have a laissez faire attitude toward divorce. God takes it seriously and we must too.
Dr. David R. Penley is a faculty member of the Biblical Counseling Institute and Assistant Professor of Pastoral Counseling at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary.
[1] www.divorcereform.org
[2] www.barna.org
Copyright © Dr. David R. Penley, 2007
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